Warning: This is a very, very emotional post. I’m not sorry.
Confession: I was scared to post this.
It’s 4:30 on a Friday, and I’m laying in bed with my laptop because it is freezing in my apartment.
Confession: I’ve been avoiding my blog for the past day or so. I’ve actually been avoiding my computer all together.
I should have been at a hospital this morning.
A nurse called me on Wednesday to reschedule my surgery from Friday to Monday. She asked me if it was OK, and I wanted to scream, “no, that’s not OK. I’ve been planning my life around this for the past month and a half!" But I didn’t. I said ok, hung up, and cried.
At first I wondered if I was overreacting. I mean, it’s only Friday to Monday, right? Only 72 hours…
But, 72 hours is a long time to wait when you’re already in full freak-out mode.
Yesterday, I received three calls from the hospital in less than two hours. The first call made me late to class. During the second, the nurse asked why I was having surgery, and then asked, “wait, you’re only 23, right?” Yes, I’m only 23.
The third call hit the hardest.
As I sat on the cold floor of my school’s lecture center, a nurse explained step-by-step what my surgery was going to be like. It made me nauseous.
- Back to Pre-op
- Operating Room
Oh, my. god. I’m in tears just thinking about it.
How is this happening? I’m only 23.
The doctors have been telling me for months that the lump is probably a benign tumor. But, what if it’s not?
What if I do have breast cancer?
Confession: I don’t know what scares me more: getting the results or going through surgery.
I’ve spent hours reading about the procedure.
I’ve spent hours wondering how it’s going to affect me.
My surgery is scheduled for 12:10 on Monday. I have to be at the hospital at 10 a.m. I can’t eat or drink anything (even water) after midnight on Sunday. The nurse said I’ll probably be there for five hours.
Five hours. That’s a long time for Jeff to wait in the hospital waiting room. That was my first thought. My second: That’s more than 12 hours without food or water.
There are so many things about the situation that I’m scared of. I’ve been trying not to think about it too much.
Confession: I can technically walk in the Making Strides walk on Sunday because my surgery was postponed, but I have decided to go to a corn maze with a group of bloggers instead.
I think that participating in the walk will be too much for me to handle emotionally the day before my surgery.
Am I wrong? Am I being hypocritical? Am I a bad person for not doing the walk?
Confession: It’s taken me an hour to write this post and I still have a lot of things to say, but I’ve said enough for now.
Edit- 8:28 a.m. Saturday: A direct message to those of you who have reached out: Thank you.
I’m going to be honest with you and say that I really did not expect this response. Moments after the link to my post went up on twitter last night, at least 10 of you re-tweeted, and many more of you have tweeted about it since then. I contemplated not hitting publish on this post. Writing it all down was therapeutic, but at first I thought it was too emotional, too private to share. I thought that you guys would think I was being overly dramatic. I thought that I’d be criticized for not wanting to walk on Sunday.
Before I posted, I reached out on twitter and asked if I should hit publish. A lot of you said yes without knowing what my post was going to be about. In a direct message, Caitlin said, “I guarantee people will be supportive.” I still didn’t completely believe her.
If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you probably know that this isn’t my first post on the topic. I’ve written about how I found the lump and my horrible mammogram experience. I’ve written about my follow-up ultrasound and how the doctor told me that the lump was probably benign, but he couldn’t be sure. I wrote about how I finally decided to get a biopsy and the lump surgically removed.
But, I’ve never, ever broken down in a post like this.
Honestly, it came out of nowhere. When I started writing this post, I had no idea that I’d be in tears by the middle of it. That’s what writing does, I guess.
My first thought was: I can’t post this.
But I did. Somehow, I found the courage to, and your response has blown me away. I severely underestimated the power of the blogging community. I should have known from the start that it would be ok for me to voice my private feelings in such a public way. I will never hesitate to post something like this again.
The comments I’ve received– both on this post and on twitter—have made me feel loved and supported. Especially the ones from people who have never commented before. Some of you have even started your comments by saying, “I know you don’t know me, but…”
So, to long-time readers, and new ones: thank you so, so, so much. You guys have no idea how much this means to me.