This post is hard to write.
In a way, I feel like I’m letting all of you down, even though I know what I’m about to tell you is not my fault at all.
When I left for my follow-up with the breast surgeon this morning, my worst fear was that it was going to hurt to have the bandages removed.
Turns out, that was the least of my worries.
After 20 minutes of waiting in the exam room, the breast surgeon walked in and asked me how I was feeling.
I was eager to find out about the negative biopsy result, and immediately asked, “so, it was just breast tissue?”
His answer almost made me burst into tears right then and there.
“Unfortunately,” he said, “I was not able to find and remove the lump.”
Remember when I told you that the doctor who did my needle localization last week didn’t reach far enough with the needle, and that the surgeon had to order an x-ray in the middle of my surgery while I was sleeping?
Remember when I told you that the surgeon told Jeff that he thought he had gotten it all out?
He ended up only removing breast tissue instead.
“I didn’t want to keep removing breast tissue,” he explained in the exam room today. “There’s not that much to take.”
That’s why the biopsy results were negative. The lump is still there. He wasn’t able to find it. I’m not really sure how this happened.
The doctor scheduled another ultrasound for January, after I’m healed from this surgery. And if the lump is still there?
I go through this all over again.
I held back my tears until I was settled into Jeff’s car outside the hospital, and then I alternated between sobbing and hyperventilating all the way home. I must have cried for an hour straight.
This is supposed to be over. Today was supposed to by my last appointment. I made the decision to have the lump surgically removed and biopsied mainly because I wanted to know was it was, but also because I didn’t want to have to keep going for tests.
Now, I still don’t know what’s inside my breast, and I have another test scheduled for January.
I don’t know how to handle this. I’m in tears just typing it out. The happiness I felt on Friday when I learned that the results were negative is the exact opposite of how I feel right now. In fact, it hurts just to think about Friday.
I’m sorry. I’m not sure why I feel it’s appropriate to apologize, but like I said in the beginning of this post, I feel like I’m letting everyone down.
This is not at all what I was expecting from today’s hospital visit. This is supposed to be over.
I’m not really sure what to do now that I know it’s not.