It’s Not Over

This post is hard to write.

In a way, I feel like I’m letting all of you down, even though I know what I’m about to tell you is not my fault at all.

When I left for my follow-up with the breast surgeon this morning, my worst fear was that it was going to hurt to have the bandages removed.

Turns out, that was the least of my worries.

After 20 minutes of waiting in the exam room, the breast surgeon walked in and asked me how I was feeling.

I was eager to find out about the negative biopsy result, and immediately asked, “so, it was just breast tissue?”

His answer almost made me burst into tears right then and there.

“Unfortunately,” he said, “I was not able to find and remove the lump.”

Remember when I told you that the doctor who did my needle localization last week didn’t reach far enough with the needle, and that the surgeon had to order an x-ray in the middle of my surgery while I was sleeping?

Remember when I told you that the surgeon told Jeff that he thought he had gotten it all out?

He ended up only removing breast tissue instead.

“I didn’t want to keep removing breast tissue,” he explained in the exam room today. “There’s not that much to take.”

That’s why the biopsy results were negative. The lump is still there. He wasn’t able to find it. I’m not really sure how this happened.

The doctor scheduled another ultrasound for January, after I’m healed from this surgery. And if the lump is still there?

I go through this all over again.

I held back my tears until I was settled into Jeff’s car outside the hospital, and then I alternated between sobbing and hyperventilating all the way home. I must have cried for an hour straight.

This is supposed to be over. Today was supposed to by my last appointment. I made the decision to have the lump surgically removed and biopsied mainly because I wanted to know was it was, but also because I didn’t want to have to keep going for tests.

Now, I still don’t know what’s inside my breast, and I have another test scheduled for January.

I don’t know how to handle this. I’m in tears just typing it out. The happiness I felt on Friday when I learned that the results were negative is the exact opposite of how I feel right now. In fact, it hurts just to think about Friday.

I’m sorry. I’m not sure why I feel it’s appropriate to apologize, but like I said in the beginning of this post, I feel like I’m letting everyone down.

This is not at all what I was expecting from today’s hospital visit. This is supposed to be over.

I’m not really sure what to do now that I know it’s not.

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58 comments

  1. OH MY GOD REBECCA,

    I want to hop on a plane and hug you. I am so incredibly sorry for all this that you’re going through!! I am sending you all my love, but I wish there was more I could do. I can’t believe they wouldn’t have told you that when the results came in! That infuriates me FOR you!

    Please stay strong – you WILL get through this!!

  2. I am welling up with tears reading this because I can’t imagine going through all this and then hearing that you’ll have to do it all over again. You have got the support and virtual hugs of so many of us, and I can only hope that it will give you some comfort at this time.

  3. I don’t really know what to say either, that doesn’t seem possible, yet there you are living it. Why do you have to wait so long for more tests? Is it because of the healing time you need?

  4. I am so sorry girlfriend. I hope that everything works out for you and that the lump in your breast really is nothing at all but a benign thing. keep your chin up, you haven’t let anyone down and it is not your fault. things like this happen all the time in the medical profession.

    You’re an amazing and strong individual. you’ll get through whatever it is that you’re going through right now <3

  5. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this again! I know it’s tough, but just try to stay positive in this healing until you see what happens in the next step.

    praying for you, girly.

  6. I am so sorry, so SO SORRY, Rebecca. I am crying for you and I don’t know what to say.

    I can say that we are here for you – and PLEASE stop thinking it is your fault or that you have let anyone down. You have not.

    sending you healing energy, love and (( hugs )). <3

  7. Rebecca, you definitely did not let us down at all. I feel so close to you even though we’ve never met. I had to cover my mouth when reading, to keep myself from crying too much! I would give you the biggest hug ever right now, even though it might hurt a lot!!! I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please know that we are all here for you, and please let me know if you need anything. Much Love.

    You continue to remain in my thoughts and prayers!

  8. It’s hard to believe you ever had to go through any of this to begin with. Then when you face it head on, and overcome it… it comes back? Unfair. I blame the doctors.. I hope that its nothing. i pray that its nothing. I’m so sorry… Call me anytime if you want to yell, cry, talk, swear.. really… feel free.. i mean it. <3

  9. What a terrible ordeal to be going through, I can’t even imagine it. But you are a strong, beautiful woman. Try not to obsess about the test in January, you’ll be able to take it all in stride once you get there.

  10. Oh goodness. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain, frustration, fear, etc you must be feeling right now. I’m sorry the answers you thought you had were not really answers and you have to continue down this road. You will certainly be in my prayers Rebecca.

  11. I am so sorry. Have you thought about going to another doctor? Please e-mail me if you want; I highly recommend my mom’s doctor (at St. Peter’s). Maybe having someone else look at your situation isn’t a bad idea.

  12. Rebecca,
    Strength in the form of fear and vulnerability is courageous. You are truly strong to be able to face this adversity twice. I can’t believe that the Dr. is just now informing you about the results of your surgery…I would be furious. You are doing everything right so keep your head up. You will make it to the other side!

  13. Oh honey, I’m so sorry! I am teary just reading this…I cannot even properly express it with words. Have you considered seeking another opinion? Just a thought. Email me if you need to, love. I’m praying for your strength and your peace <3 (((hugs)))

  14. Rebecca, please know that no apologies are needed. What you are going through is intense, stressful and draining. How you are handling it is completely understandable. Please don’t be hard on yourself, you are only human and are entitled to feel a slew of emotions.

    Have you considered seeing another doc? You know my story pretty well, so you know why I always advocate for getting second opinions. I only mention this because I hate to see this drawn at any longer than it needs to be.

    Know you are in my thoughts and sending good vibes to you. If you need anything, you know where to find me 🙂

  15. I am so very sorry! I second what some have said, you might want to seek another doctor at this point? It must be hell to have to worry and wait again, but just know that people are thinking good thoughts for you, and that you are certainly stronger than you think you are too.

  16. you didn’t let anyone down! if anything, the docs let you down. maybe you should check out another doctor? i know it’s really tough to stay positive in this situation, but you’ve made it this far and you’ve got tons of supporters out there!

  17. Do not apologize for letting anyone down! I am so sorry for the rollarcoaster of emotions you are going through right now, but you will be stronger in the end because of all of this. I am thinking of you.

  18. Oh honey, I am so sorry. I can’t believe this! I feel for you.

    You certainly shouldn’t be apologizing. You haven’t let anyone down. You’re the one who has been let down.

  19. Rebecca, first of all do NOT even think about apologizing. You did nothing wrong, and I’m so, so, so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could do something to help!! You know we are all here supporting you no matter what. I know it will all end ok, but in the meantime, stay strong and don’t forget to utilize your support system (Jeff, friends, family) as much as you can during this time. Hugs to you!! xoxo

  20. Rebecca, I am so sorry to hear about this! I can’t imagine how crushed you must have felt. I really appreciate you writing about what you are going through because it makes it so real. I am thinking about you and sending positive vibes your way!!!

  21. Oh hun.. this is horrible! These are those stories the doctors never want to tell – the ones where they don’t look like they can do everything. They should have known exactly what and IF they could remove your lump before they scheduled you for surgery. Don’t feel sorry for “letting us down” we just want you to get through this all and be healthy! Keep your chin up, we’re going to be here for you no matter what happens!

  22. I can’t say anything that hasn’t already been said here but I’m so sorry for this situation and can’t begin to imagine your frustration and other range of emotions you must be feeling. I’ll keep you in my prayers and hope you can find some peace and comfort in the midst of the uncertainty. Hugs, Dorry

  23. Oh Rebecca. I don’t know what to say. Let yourself grieve this and don’t feel like you need to bounce back and be positive. Let’s say it like it is – it sucks.

    Continuing to pray. Blech.

  24. I am so sorry you have to go through this, you are so brave and I can’t believe what has happened here!

    As other people have mentioned, personally I would be so angry I would be trying to find another doctor, this one sounds unprofessional and incompetent 🙁

    Best wishes to you, you will come out of this even stronger than you already are.

  25. My heartfelt thoughts and prayers remain with you, Rebecca. I suggest you take a breath and strongly consider seeing another Doctor. A second opinion seems wise.

  26. Stay positive Rebecca and don’t ever think you have let any of us down. I’m so sorry my friend – I know you thought this whole thing was behind you. Please know that I am thinking about you, sending healing thoughts and prayers your way. Love, Heather

  27. Wow Rebecca, I know it’s a year later but this post was so moving that I felt like I had to send you by positive thoughts. I’m so sorry for all you have gone through. I really hope this all ends for you positively very soon.

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