Around 8:00 on most mornings, I go for a walk by the river with my mother.
It’s been three weeks since the breakup. Three weeks since my life changed completely. Three weeks since a man that I’ve known for six years, a man who I’ve grown up with, changed with, and learned with, walked out of my house, and out my life forever. The vision of him leaving is haunting. In the beginning, I’d wake up in the middle of the night with it playing out in my mind like a movie. Three weeks later, I can still vividly remember him standing in my kitchen, and saying my last goodbye to him. I can still hear him asking me for one last hug. I can still hear myself refusing. Every time I think of these things: of him moving all of his stuff out of my apartment, of how a man who I’d been with since I was 18 suddenly seemed like a complete stranger to me, my heart breaks again. I can physically feel it tearing apart.
At first, I was scared to share such intense feelings. Partly because I don’t want him to read it, and think I’m not over him yet. Then I realized I’m definitely not over him yet. Duh. I was with him for six years—a quarter of my life, and we just broke up three weeks ago. Even more than that, though, I realized that this is my life, not his. I write this blog for me, not him. I shouldn’t care what he thinks. Writing has always been cathartic for me, and that’s all that matters.
I have no intention of going into the details or reasons behind our breakup. As I mentioned in a previous post, however, I’ve always been very honest about my life and feelings on here. With that said, I have every intention of sharing my experiences healing and getting through this rough patch in my life. Writing about it helps me, and I hope it will help others who are going through, or who have gone through similar situations. I know that this is not a breakup blog. Honestly, I’m not really sure what kind of blog this is anymore. Maybe it’s an everything blog.
Over the past three weeks, I’ve done everything that someone who is going through a breakup should do. I’ve cried…a lot. I’ve also laughed. I’ve spent time with family and friends. I’ve spent time in my bed, alone, crying. I’ve been hopeful for the future, but I’ve also been uncertain and scared about the future. I’ve had really sad moments, and extremely happy ones.
I’ve started over. I painted my room, cleaned every inch of my apartment, and dyed my hair. Sometimes I sit and think about how strong I actually am. I know this is going to be a long road of healing. I know that I won’t be over this anytime soon. This relationship and breakup will forever be a part of me. I’m OK with that. I plan to learn from this experience. As much as it hurts, I know I will be a better person for it.
I’ve been trying really hard to appreciate everything in my life right now, every moment. I’ve become more observant of the little things that make me really happy, like the cool, crisp fall air, getting coffee and drinking wine with my best friends, walks with my mother in the morning, and the way I can look out the window from the desk where I am writing this, and see the beautiful blue sky.
Too often, I let beautiful moments pass me by without truly stopping to appreciate them. People keep telling me to take this one day at a time, and that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do. I’m trying to live life slowly, trying to catch everything that passes me by. This is my life, after all, and I only get one. That’s why it’s so important to embrace not only the good moments, but the bad ones as well. Every moment is a learning experience. Every moment shapes the person I am becoming. I am trying to make the best out of this situation, because, really, life is too short not to.
Inspiration for this post came from a blog that I’ve fallen absolutely in love with. Catherine’s blog has helped me so much. She is so real, and honest in her posts, and I can really relate to her and her situation. I realized that I want to write blog posts that people can read and relate to as well. So, thank you, Catherine, for motivating me. The book, Eat, Pray, Love, has also inspired me a great deal.