This is How a Heart Breaks

Around 8:00 on most mornings, I go for a walk by the river with my mother.

My mother has been going for daily walks for a long time, but I’ve just recently started to join her. These walks have been good for my mind, and for my heart.Hudson River

It’s been three weeks since the breakup. Three weeks since my life changed completely. Three weeks since a man that I’ve known for six years, a man who I’ve grown up with, changed with, and learned with, walked out of my house, and out my life forever. The vision of him leaving is haunting. In the beginning, I’d wake up in the middle of the night with it playing out in my mind like a movie. Three weeks later, I can still vividly remember him standing in my kitchen, and saying my last goodbye to him. I can still hear him asking me for one last hug. I can still hear myself refusing. Every time I think of these things: of him moving all of his stuff out of my apartment, of how a man who I’d been with since I was 18 suddenly seemed like a complete stranger to me, my heart breaks again. I can physically feel it tearing apart.

At first, I was scared to share such intense feelings. Partly because I don’t want him to read it, and think I’m not over him yet. Then I realized I’m definitely not over him yet. Duh. I was with him for six years—a quarter of my life, and we just broke up three weeks ago. Even more than that, though, I realized that this is my life, not his. I write this blog for me, not him. I shouldn’t care what he thinks. Writing has always been cathartic for me, and that’s all that matters.

I have no intention of going into the details or reasons behind our breakup. As I mentioned in a previous post, however, I’ve always been very honest about my life and feelings on here. With that said, I have every intention of sharing my experiences healing and getting through this rough patch in my life. Writing about it helps me, and I hope it will help others who are going through, or who have gone through similar situations. I know that this is not a breakup blog. Honestly, I’m not really sure what kind of blog this is anymore. Maybe it’s an everything blog.

Hudson River

Over the past three weeks, I’ve done everything that someone who is going through a breakup should do. I’ve cried…a lot. I’ve also laughed. I’ve spent time with family and friends. I’ve spent time in my bed, alone, crying. I’ve been hopeful for the future, but I’ve also been uncertain and scared about the future. I’ve had really sad moments, and extremely happy ones.

I’ve started over. I painted my room, cleaned every inch of my apartment, and dyed my hair. Sometimes I sit and think about how strong I actually am. I know this is going to be a long road of healing. I know that I won’t be over this anytime soon. This relationship and breakup will forever be a part of me. I’m OK with that. I plan to learn from this experience. As much as it hurts, I know I will be a better person for it.

I’ve been trying really hard to appreciate everything in my life right now, every moment. I’ve become more observant of the little things that make me really happy, like the cool, crisp fall air, getting coffee and drinking wine with my best friends, walks with my mother in the morning, and the way I can look out the window from the desk where I am writing this, and see the beautiful blue sky. 

Hudson River

Too often, I let beautiful moments pass me by without truly stopping to appreciate them. People keep telling me to take this one day at a time, and that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do. I’m trying to live life slowly, trying to catch everything that passes me by. This is my life, after all, and I only get one. That’s why it’s so important to embrace not only the good moments, but the bad ones as well. Every moment is a learning experience. Every moment shapes the person I am becoming. I am trying to make the best out of this situation, because, really, life is too short not to.

Morning

Inspiration for this post came from a blog that I’ve fallen absolutely in love with. Catherine’s blog has helped me so much. She is so real, and honest in her posts, and I can really relate to her and her situation. I realized that I want to write blog posts that people can read and relate to as well. So, thank you, Catherine, for motivating me. The book, Eat, Pray, Love, has also inspired me a great deal.

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14 comments

  1. Sooo admittedly this is the first time I’ve read your blog, and I clicked over from twitter because you said you were writing an emotional post and I wanted to see what that was about. (Call me nosy, if you want!)

    Anyway, I was just wanted to say…I feel you. Totally. Well, mostly. About a year and a half ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost six years. Yes, I broke up with him so the story is a little bit different, but breaking up with him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I loved him but wasn’t IN LOVE with him, and something was missing. He’s a great person, we’re still somewhat friends (that took a long time, which was to be expected), but I wasn’t CRAZY about him. For almost six years, he was my boyfriend and my best friend, and I eventually realized that I saw him at the second and not so much the first. I had moved across the country to be with him, thought we were going to get married. I thought about OUR future together in my head. Where we would be when he finally graduated from grad school. Where we would get married. Everyone else thought we’d get married and they were all surprised we weren’t engaged yet. But something was missing, and finally admitting that to myself took forever. There wasn’t anything “wrong” per se…I don’t have a single bad thing to say about him. I cried as I told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore because I didn’t want to lose him, but I knew I had to….and I most definitely never ever ever wanted to hurt him.

    I’ll stop babbling about that now. The point was (is?) that is takes a long time to heal from the ending of such a long relationship. I would randomly bawl my eyes out. Stupid things would set me off. But eventually it started to hurt less. I didn’t miss him as much. Eventually I got a new job in a new city where no one even knew I had an exboyfriend. I still think it’s a big part of me and always will be…that’s such a long time to be together! But you will move on and be okay and find new amazing things in life. And even though I’m still not totally convinced myself, one day you will meet someone who will sweep you off your feet and make you forget about that other guy. You may not want to right now, but everything happens for a reason and this is just a bump in the road.

    Let me know if I can help out at all! I kind of know where you’re at.

    Sorry for the novel. 🙂

    1. I don’t think there’s any less emotion in a breakup when we are the doer. Ending relationships or being dumped hurts to the core no matter what. 🙁

    2. Susan,

      Thanks so much for stopping by my blog, and for writing this comment. It means so much to me to know I’m not the only only one who has ever been in this kind of thing. I agree with Lisa. I don’t think there is any less emotion in being the one who does the breaking. In my case, it was pretty mutual, and even though I know that our breakup was for the best, it still hurts like hell! I know what it feels like to just not feel right in the relationship, even if things have been pretty good all along. A break up is a break up, no matter which way you slice it.

      Anyway, thanks again for stopping by and sharing your story. Its helped me more than you know. 🙂

  2. Breakups are powerful and they defiantly happen for a reason and only play a small fraction in who we are. However how we act after them defines us forever 🙂

  3. So much of what you are feeling is exactly what I went through a little more than a year ago. This post brought tears to my eyes but you are so strong to have written it. I think it’s great that you admit that you are not over him – how could you be? It takes time to move on from an event like this. Just because three weeks later you are still hurting doesn’t mean that you won’t get there. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me that my blog helped you even in the least little bit. I mean, when I started it, it was because I couldn’t find anyone out there like me. I felt like I was all alone in what I was going through. And all I wanted was for someone else to feel a little less alone if they were in my situation. I feel like I’ve accomplished that goal just by having it help you a little bit. And just think of how many people your honesty on this blog is helping too? I hope you’ll find that writing and having a blog is a great outlet for what you are going through (it was for me). Know that you are not alone… you are going through a tough time, but you will survive. You will overcome. And you will look back on these moments as life changing and empowering. Trust me 🙂

  4. You have a lot of heart break ahead of you as you heal. It’s okay! It’s natural. Feeling all the emotions is better than trying to silence them.

    I had a bad breakup in my early 20’s. We lived together, he was my first love, we were going to get married…We’d been together for 2 years when we broke up. It was devastating. I spent an entire summer mourning it, grieving, going on crying jags then being angry, then being apathetic, then crying again. There were lots of ups and downs. It took me about a year to find myself again and heal.

    You’ll get through this. 🙂 Hugs!

  5. It never gets any easier to break up with someone. And it never gets any easier to be broken up with. After all, it’s not supposed to be. Think about it- if it was easy to do, then you really never loved the person to begin with. And it’s always scary “starting over” even if you never loved the person you were with.

    One thing is true though, you will find the pain fades with time and a lot of nurturing. I’ve been told it takes half as long as the relationship was to get over the person, and it’s a good rule of thumb. So you might be feeling like this for 3 years. You might not, also. How fast you heal depends on you, of course and whether or not you choose to celebrate your relationship with him as something to be remembered and cherished, or if you harbor ill will about the whole thing. Attitude really makes all the difference.

    Ps its okay to cry.

    1. Thanks for your comment, Christie. I agree that it’s all about attitude. I’m normally a pretty positive person, so I’m really trying to make the best out of this, no matter how hard it is.

      I really hope it doesn’t take three years for me to get over this, but I also believe that things happen for a reason. So if it does take me that long, it was meant to be that way!

      Thanks again for reaching out! 🙂

  6. Hey girl. I’m just seeing this for the first time. I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through a rough time. But we need the clouds to enjoy the sunshine when it breaks through–and TRUST me–what you did is brave, and you will come out better for it. You are bold and living your life to YOUR fullest potential. And I believe fully that you’ll recover and thrive even further than you knew you could <3.

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