A Long December

…and there’s reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last…

Hi, friends. Long time, no see. I’m well aware that I didn’t post at all in December. I sat down a couple times and tried to write, but it didn’t work. 

The shock of losing my father has mostly faded away by now, and reality has begun to set in.

I’ve always had these preconceived notions of what it would be like to lose someone close to me. Turns out, the reality is much different than what I expected.

In the past two months, I have found happiness in the depths of my sadness. I have laughed more than I ever thought I would. I have cried unexpectedly, and have not cried when I felt I should.

Grief is weird like that. It’s unpredictable.

I spent the last weekend of the year in Philadelphia with Jeff’s family. As I stood and watched the midnight fireworks on New Year’s Eve with Jeff’s arms wrapped around me, tears flowed down my cheeks.

As we walked past a cheese steak restaurant on South Street that my father used to love, I had to slow down to walk behind the group.

As Jeff and I made our way to the waterfront at the end of South Street, I could vividly picture my father standing there, staring out over the river.

I know that as time passes, these things won’t make me as sad anymore. Instead, I will think back on the memories and smile. That time just hasn’t come yet.

Writing about my father is hard, and since grief has pretty much consumed my life the past two months, I’ve had nothing else to write about.

Don’t get me wrong, my November and December were chock-full of adventures. I just haven’t had the energy to blog about them.

With all that happened toward the end of 2011, I didn’t have a chance to come up with that many solid New Year’s resolutions. However, one thing I really want to work on this year is to try to stay in the present as much as possible. I spend far too much time worrying about the past and future, and never really stop to appreciate what I have right now. Although losing my father is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me, I recognize that I still have a lot in my life to be thankful for, and I never want to take any of it for granted.

You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land, there is no other life but this.
— Henry David Thoreau

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12 comments

  1. It’s great to hear from you, and so great too that you’ve been able to see happiness and to be able to laugh.

    I know I didn’t comment on your last post, but I did read it – for some reason I couldn’t comment on wordpress posts for a couple of weeks around that time. It’s great though to hear the wonderful news about the biopsy & Jeff 🙂

    You’re strong & I have a lot of admiration for your attitude and your resolution for this year. Thank you for sharing 🙂 x

  2. I am so sorry about all you have been going through. You have been in my thoughts ever sine I read the post about your father. It is so great to see a post from you! It’s good to see that you are giving yourself time and space to grieve. I’m sending virtual hugs your way!!

  3. The quote at the end is beautiful. I’m sorry for all you have gone through. If I tell you I know how you feel, its because my dad was at Mt. Sinai Manhattan when I read your last post. Now he’s in hospice care at home. He’s doing better but there is nothing the doctors can do. We live each day with God’s grace. It’s a little surreal because I can see his better. Only time will tell. I admire your strength in sharing your story and grief. I only hope to be as strong when the time comes. But today I’m hopeful and I wish you the BEST the world can offer for 2012. {Hugs}

    1. Patty, I am so sorry about your dad. My father was also at Mt. Sinai, and the palliative care team there was so great to us. I hope the hospice team provides your dad and your family some comfort.

      It’s a really hard thing to go through, and I wish you and your family lots of strength and love. Hang in there, and feel free to email me if you need to talk to someone who’s gone through it (rebecca@roseyrebecca.com). <3

  4. You have positive attitude and strength!So,i believe that this year 2012,is going to be a year full of success story for you.And I am sorry for all you have gone through.I have one advice for you.Never loss your hope.Thank you.

  5. I think you are so strong. I really admire the way you’ve dealt with your grief and I am so sorry for what you went through. But I am also really glad that you managed to laugh and have some happy moments.
    I really hope 2012 brings you all of the joy you deserve!

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