…and there’s reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last…
Hi, friends. Long time, no see. I’m well aware that I didn’t post at all in December. I sat down a couple times and tried to write, but it didn’t work.
The shock of losing my father has mostly faded away by now, and reality has begun to set in.
I’ve always had these preconceived notions of what it would be like to lose someone close to me. Turns out, the reality is much different than what I expected.
In the past two months, I have found happiness in the depths of my sadness. I have laughed more than I ever thought I would. I have cried unexpectedly, and have not cried when I felt I should.
Grief is weird like that. It’s unpredictable.
I spent the last weekend of the year in Philadelphia with Jeff’s family. As I stood and watched the midnight fireworks on New Year’s Eve with Jeff’s arms wrapped around me, tears flowed down my cheeks.
As we walked past a cheese steak restaurant on South Street that my father used to love, I had to slow down to walk behind the group.
As Jeff and I made our way to the waterfront at the end of South Street, I could vividly picture my father standing there, staring out over the river.
I know that as time passes, these things won’t make me as sad anymore. Instead, I will think back on the memories and smile. That time just hasn’t come yet.
Writing about my father is hard, and since grief has pretty much consumed my life the past two months, I’ve had nothing else to write about.
Don’t get me wrong, my November and December were chock-full of adventures. I just haven’t had the energy to blog about them.
With all that happened toward the end of 2011, I didn’t have a chance to come up with that many solid New Year’s resolutions. However, one thing I really want to work on this year is to try to stay in the present as much as possible. I spend far too much time worrying about the past and future, and never really stop to appreciate what I have right now. Although losing my father is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me, I recognize that I still have a lot in my life to be thankful for, and I never want to take any of it for granted.
You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land, there is no other life but this.
— Henry David Thoreau