A few weeks ago I wrote a post about feeling overwhelmed because I was feeling blah and my friend Amanda encouraged me to write about it and call it a BLAHG Post. So, I did, and it was so well-received that I’ve decided to make BLAHG Posts a regular thing! I know a lot of you can relate when I open up about my day-to-day struggles with anxiety and depression so my goal with this series is to continue to be transparent about those struggles and to hopefully help you feel less alone if you happen to be experiencing the same thing.
I’ve been meaning to write about my feelings of self-doubt for a while. Truth is, I experience it a lot more than I’d care to admit. It’s hard to confess that I’m not always 100 percent confident in everything I do but I have a pretty good feeling that I’m not alone. Self-doubt has crept into a lot of aspects of my life but it pops up the most when I think about my writing. I have an extremely difficult time believing people when they tell me I’m good at something and an even more difficult time admitting it to myself.
In school when I received good grades on essays, I’d often assume the teacher just liked me because I completed all of my assignments and showed up to class on time, not that I’d actually deserved the grade.
After college when I wrote for a newspaper, I could never read my articles after they were published. Even when people told me that they enjoyed my writing or that I did a good job, I’d think, oh, they’re just being polite. I constantly questioned why I was assigned so many stories and assumed that the people reading were thinking, who is she to be covering this topic?
I absolutely love writing this blog. I love documenting my life and sharing with whoever is here to read. The anxiety I feel around hitting publish is probably why I’ve stopped and started so many times since I started this blog in 2009. Sometimes I’m really excited about my blog posts. Other times I’m like why am I doing this? Who is reading? What makes my blog different or more entertaining to read than the thousands of other blogs out there?
On Monday after I posted about my recent mammogram and ultrasound, I sat at my computer, thought about how I’d worked on that post for four days, and convinced myself that nobody was going to read it. I texted my best friend and vented to her about how I’m wasting my time blogging. As I was talking to her, I received a message on Instagram from someone thanking me for writing that very post and telling me how much my blog helps them. It was the first of many messages and comments I received that day about the post. The next day a friend told me how impressed she is that I post a few times a week. Meanwhile, I frequently beat myself up for not posting enough. It took a whole year of people telling me that I’m good at Instagram and that I should consider teaching a class for me to actually go through with it.
I always feel so undeserving of compliments and so shocked that people think I’m doing a good job. I am so hard on myself and fail to recognize all the things I’ve accomplished and all the opportunities that have come out of this little blog. Sometimes I feel like I’m embarrassing myself by putting my life and feelings out there for all to see.
Writing about this is so hard because I feel kind of like I’m lifting up a curtain – that people are going to think less of me for revealing that I experience self-doubt on an almost-daily basis, especially when it’s about the things people compliment me on the most!
But I’m taking a deep breath and hitting publish. I’m reminding myself that these feelings are totally normal and lots of people experience them. I’m trying to ignore all the negative self-talk, to not believe everything I think.
Most of all, I’m working on feeling more confident in my talents and accomplishments. On believing that I am a good writer and that people truly enjoy what I post here and on Instagram but that it’s OK if not everyone likes me or what I’m doing. I’m telling myself that it’s worth it to keep doing what I’m doing even if only one person is reading because I love it and that’s all that matters!
As always, THANK YOU for reading!
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