One Month…

My father died one month ago today. I don’t know where the time went.

Four days ago, I watched the Thanksgiving parade with tears in my eyes, and a strong yearning in my chest. Memories of waking up on Thanksgiving morning to my father switching back and forth between parade coverage on NBC and CBS filled my mind. I can vividly remember the way he yelled for my brothers and me to come in when Santa was about to appear on the screen. It meant we could finally, after secretly making Christmas lists since July, talk about Christmas out loud.

Thanksgiving was hard this year, as I imagine it will be for years to come. But even with everything that’s happened over the past few months, I haven’t lost touch of what I’m most thankful for. So I’ve decided to honor this day by making a list of the people and things I appreciate most in my life.

I am thankful…

  • For my family, especially my mother, and two brothers, Adam and David. I don’t know how I would have gotten through the last few months without them.
  • For my adorable nephew, Nicholas, and my two awesome sisters-in-law, Angela and Sarah. Plus my almost-sister, Dana.
  • For Jeff (you read that right). He came back into my life right when I needed him most, and I am so happy to have such a loving and caring boyfriend by my side.
  • To have so many wonderful friends. I’m especially lucky to have my best friend, Dara, who is always there for me, and, by the way, just got engaged to her boyfriend, Ian, at the beginning of this month! Hurray! I can’t believe my best friend from PRESCHOOL is getting married! It’s surreal!
  • That although my father is not longer here, I have many wonderful memories of my time spent with him.
  • That even though I’m unemployed right now, I still have a roof over my head and food to eat.
  • For my mother’s cooking.
  • For wine, chocolate, and pasta.
  • That even though I haven’t exactly been at the gym every day over the past two months, I know I have the strength to get back in shape soon.
  • That I am young, healthy, and that the biopsy result was negative. For real this time.
  • That Christmas is coming, and although it will be hard to get through, a new year is right around the corner.

My father died a month ago today, and if I can take anything positive out of losing him, it’s that I’m going to try really hard not to take the things I’m thankful for for granted.

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Cautiously Hopeful

On Thursday the 20th, my father will have been in the hospital for a month.

It’s weird how the mind adapts to new routines. For the past month, I’ve been at the hospital nearly every day. The image of my father in a hospital bed with tons of wires attached to him is no longer shocking, it’s normal. The smell of the ICU is stuck in my nose.

My family and I have talked to more doctors and nurses than I can count. There are days when I can’t even remember what day it is.

The crazy thing is, it doesn’t look like this will be over anytime soon. My father is in critical condition, and is progressing very, very slowly. On Saturday, the doctors said it would be a “miracle” if he pulls through this. On Sunday, they seemed more optimistic. One doctor said that we should be “cautiously hopeful.” That all we can do is wait, and hope that he comes around.

So that’s what we’re doing: waiting and hoping.

River

On a completely unrelated note, I had an ultrasound yesterday.

In the middle of the test, the ultrasound tech actually asked, “this surgeon who did your biopsy last year, did he come highly recommended to you?”

Every doctor I’ve talked to seems completely baffled by what happened to me.

The ultrasound confirmed that the lump is still there- same size and everything. The doctor gave me two options:

I feel like I’m back in the exact same place as I was when I wrote this post. Since there’s nothing I can do about it, however, I chose the latter. This Friday, I will go in for the core needle biopsy. When I get the results from that, it’s likely that I’ll have to have another surgery.

At this point, even though I am scared about Friday, I am much more concerned with my father’s condition.

Please, please keep my father in your thoughts.

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