Sometimes…

Sometimes I forget that he’s gone…

On an ordinary day when I am going about my routine: waking up, going to work, coming home, nodding off to sleep…I forget that he’s not here anymore. 

When I walk into my office and take in the lighthouse paintings that line the walls across from my desk. 

When I enter a restaurant for dinner that smells of coal-fired pizza crusts and sweet marinara. 

Sometimes I forget that he’s gone…

When I watch boats float down the river on a beautiful, clear day. 

When I pass a restaurant menu and have to stop and look. 

When I call home to talk to my mom.

Sometimes I forget that he’s gone…

When I hear my nephew laugh or my niece cry.

When my family gathers around the table for a holiday meal.

When football plays on the TV in the background.

Sometimes I forget that he’s gone…

When the cool breeze whips through the trees as I walk home from the metro station.

When the condo is quiet and the night is still. 

When I see him when I sleep and feel him when I’m awake.

Sometimes I forget that he’s gone…but maybe that’s because he’s really still here.

For my father: March 5, 1950 to October 28, 2011

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One Month…

My father died one month ago today. I don’t know where the time went.

Four days ago, I watched the Thanksgiving parade with tears in my eyes, and a strong yearning in my chest. Memories of waking up on Thanksgiving morning to my father switching back and forth between parade coverage on NBC and CBS filled my mind. I can vividly remember the way he yelled for my brothers and me to come in when Santa was about to appear on the screen. It meant we could finally, after secretly making Christmas lists since July, talk about Christmas out loud.

Thanksgiving was hard this year, as I imagine it will be for years to come. But even with everything that’s happened over the past few months, I haven’t lost touch of what I’m most thankful for. So I’ve decided to honor this day by making a list of the people and things I appreciate most in my life.

I am thankful…

  • For my family, especially my mother, and two brothers, Adam and David. I don’t know how I would have gotten through the last few months without them.
  • For my adorable nephew, Nicholas, and my two awesome sisters-in-law, Angela and Sarah. Plus my almost-sister, Dana.
  • For Jeff (you read that right). He came back into my life right when I needed him most, and I am so happy to have such a loving and caring boyfriend by my side.
  • To have so many wonderful friends. I’m especially lucky to have my best friend, Dara, who is always there for me, and, by the way, just got engaged to her boyfriend, Ian, at the beginning of this month! Hurray! I can’t believe my best friend from PRESCHOOL is getting married! It’s surreal!
  • That although my father is not longer here, I have many wonderful memories of my time spent with him.
  • That even though I’m unemployed right now, I still have a roof over my head and food to eat.
  • For my mother’s cooking.
  • For wine, chocolate, and pasta.
  • That even though I haven’t exactly been at the gym every day over the past two months, I know I have the strength to get back in shape soon.
  • That I am young, healthy, and that the biopsy result was negative. For real this time.
  • That Christmas is coming, and although it will be hard to get through, a new year is right around the corner.

My father died a month ago today, and if I can take anything positive out of losing him, it’s that I’m going to try really hard not to take the things I’m thankful for for granted.

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