Welcome To My Life
Early on Saturday morning, I was singing to myself as I walked to the kitchen to refill my cup of coffee when I had an OCD thought that triggered PTSD flashbacks and led to a full-blown anxiety attack. That’s the way these things go. One minute I’m happy and singing and the next, I’m grasping the kitchen counter to try to stay upright while I sob uncontrollably over my cup of coffee.
After standing in the kitchen for a few moments, I made my way upstairs to startle Jeff and Hudson awake by sobbing and hyperventilating next to them in bed. Jeff wrapped his arms around me and told me to focus on my breath, which unfortunately triggered more flashbacks (more on that in a bit) but eventually helped calm me down. Finally, after lying still for what seemed like hours, I got up, walked back downstairs, and carried on with my day. Welcome to my life.
My OCD is constantly with me even when I’m happy. It’s with me even when I’m medicated. It’s with me in the calm, quiet morning when everyone else is asleep. It’s triggered by everything and nothing at all. My intrusive thoughts are just that: intrusive. They come whenever they want, wherever I am, and however I’m feeling. They don’t care. It doesn’t matter how often I’ve had and dismissed them before, they pop up again and again and are just as startling every time.